Humans are by nature, generally people pleasers. If you find yourself putting the needs of others ahead of your own more often than not, you are a people pleaser. There’s nothing wrong with that, until it starts to impact how you feel, how you perceive yourself and how others treat you. People pleasers often end up feeling unvalued, resentful, anxious, moody, upset, emotional and discontent with life, because they sacrifice their own needs, for the needs of others. This can lead to them becoming sick, unmotivated, withdrawn from relationships, separate from loved ones including a partner, resign from their job, and even depressed. If any of these ring true for you, you need to pay attention. All of this can simply be resolved with a little communication and by setting some boundaries.

#1 Saying ‘yes’ too often

The most common problem for people pleasers is saying ‘yes’, too often. Here are some examples of saying ‘yes’ when you should perhaps be saying ‘no’:

• Accepting invitations to events you don’t want to attend or that clash with another event.
• Helping someone when you don’t have time to, don’t really want to, or feel compelled or obligated to but have no desire to.
• Telling your kids they can attend something that you have to drive them to and/or pay for, when you don’t have the time or stamina to drive them or can’t afford it/don’t want to spend your money on it.
• Overcommitting your kids to extra-curricular activities that you really don’t have the time or energy to take them to, and/or can’t afford it/don’t want to spend your money on it.
• Staying back at work because your boss or colleague has asked you to, when you really don’t want to or have other commitments.
• Overcommitting yourself to things that you don’t have time, energy or money for.

Possible Boundaries that you can implement:

• Practice saying ‘no’ to any of the above scenarios. Like anything, the more you practice it the better you will become at it.
• If you are unable to help a person or don’t want to help them, either tell them ‘no’ or find another way to help that does not include your physical presence or time. You might outsource a task, offer ideas on how else your friend/loved one can get the help, or delegate someone else.
• Give your kids a limit on social outings each month.
• Give your kids a limit on weekly extra-curricula activities.
• Set some guidelines at work for the days and times you can stay back and help, and the days and times that don’t work for you.
• Give yourself a limit on how many things you can commit to each day.
• Get organised with a schedule. Create a schedule that factors in all your ‘given commitments’, things that are not negotiable in your life such as going to work/school, eating, sleeping etc. Once you have your ‘given’ items in, factor in the other important things that are necessary but can be flexible if you need. For example driving the kids to school/cricket/soccer etc. (They may catch the bus or train if you need them to or get a friend to help. That may be where the flexibility comes in.) Then factor in the flexible things that you would like to do but can be done at another time or day or even virtually, such as grocery shopping, beauty appointment etc. And finally factor in time for ‘fun’ or ‘optional’ extras.

#2 How you treat yourself is how others learn to treat you

If you do not put yourself as a priority nobody else will either. If you do not value yourself and your time nobody else will either. If you do not think you are worthy, neither will anybody else. If you do not love yourself, you are teaching people it is ok to not love you or to not show you they love you.

The problem here is that you are creating the problem, then you get resentful because the others are not giving you what you need. But you taught them that. So it is time for you to teach them differently, so you can avoid resenting the people you love the most.

Possible boundaries that you can implement:

• Show people time is important to you. Be punctual to your appointments and set guidelines on what is acceptable for you from others. If a client or colleague is late to a meeting, don’t dismiss it, address it and set some parameters as to what your expectations are.
• Communication here is key. People won’t read your mind. Be clear about your expectations, what you can offer, what you can accept and give guidance to those around you. ‘If you are not ready to leave for school by 8:30am you have to catch the train, I can’t drive you.’ And stick to your word! Most importantly.
• Work on building your self love. If you do not love yourself, you can’t expect others to love to. Find things you love about yourself. You will find others will be more open to showing you love. Communicate how you like to be shown you are loved, so others know what they need to do to help you feel loved.
• Make time for you. Show people you are worthy and that you are important, by blocking time out for yourself. And do not negotiate that time for you. Whether it be your training time, time to do a craft that you love, to go for a massage, even a weekend away. Whatever you need to recharge your batteries.

When you start to value yourself and learn to set and uphold boundaries, it is going to help you feel more in control of your life, less stressed and anxious and you won’t become resentful towards your loved ones. Setting boundaries does not mean you have to ditch everyone or be mean. It is simply acknowledging when you can be there for others, and when you can’t. It is simply teaching others the same thing. Nobody was put on this earth to be at everyone else’s beck and call 24/7. Learn to set boundaries and free yourself of your unnecessary stress and frustration.

• Coach Terri