You have 2 little voices in your head that talk to you day in day out. One is there to nurture and encourage you and the other is there to protect you. Both voices have merit and have their place. As long as you know when to listen to them and when to disregard them. They have often been described as the devil and the angel, but the voice that talks negatively is not necessarily the devil, more like the over-protective parent.
What each voice tells you is based on what you have experienced in your past. What you need to do is determine whether the advice is warranted or not.
The negative talk comes from a place of caution, safety, protection
You would have been through things in life that scared you, made you feel belittled, uncomfortable or embarrassed. That situation wrote a patten of behaviour in your brain.
The pattern goes like this:
Trigger (whatever caused the emotion) – Emotion – Your Response (and the response of other around you and your environment).
The next time a similar experience occurs, that little voice in your head goes ‘Hey we’ve been here before. This is what happened last time. Let’s avoid that.’ The pattern is written and what is known as the ‘negative voice’, is born.
The positive voice comes from a place of encouragement and confidence
Positive self-talk is also based on historical experience. It draws on things that gave you strength, things you did well, what you have been praised on, or things you have succeeded in. The little voice says ‘Hey we’ve been here before. You can do this. Go for it!’
Our past influences our future. Once you become aware of these pre-recorded brain patterns you can determine whether it is worth continuing that pattern and listening to the negative self-talk or changing the pattern and create new positive self-talk.
An example of some negative experiences that can ignite that negative self-talk include:
- Trauma (abuse, bullying, a criminal act towards you, an accident, illness etc.)
- Bullying
- Exclusion
- Being treated badly by someone or people you care about consistently over a period.
- Being put down constantly.
- Feeling like those that you care about don’t celebrate your successes.
- Standing up for yourself or setting boundaries and having the other person react badly or be hurt.
- To name a few…
As a result, the next time you are in a similar predicament where you need to choose your action or reaction, you draw upon these experiences, these pre-recorded brain patterns, and the negative self-talk screams at you. Somehow the negative talk is always louder than the positive talk. Have you noticed that?
Here are 9 ways to determine which voice to listen to:
- Identify where this negative talk is coming from
Look back into your past and find a scenario or scenarios that may be the cause of this self-talk. If you can understand where something is coming from, it is easier to assess it rationality.
Does it apply in this situation?
Is there a different way you can handle it; l a new pattern you can create in your brain?
- Look at your current situation and identify if the warning is warranted
Example 1 – If you once touched fire and got burnt, you realise if you touch the fire in front of you, it is still a danger so shouldn’t touch it again. Accept the negative talk as a warranted warning.
Example 2 – if you didn’t duck under the ach last time you hit your head, so now you know to duck.
- Look at the past experience and ask yourself if the same applies now
For example, you had a partner that verbally abused you in your past. So, your negative voice warns you that if you accept a new partner, they will do the same, which is not necessarily true.
You don’t have to avoid accepting another partner simply because that particular partner was abusive.
Afterall, if you had a bad experience with a mechanic, you wouldn’t stop taking your car to get serviced; you would simply find a new mechanic.
The negative talk is warranted from the perspective that it is trying to protect you. However rather than avoiding a new partner altogether, you may implement other strategies such as setting boundaries from the start, to avoid the pattern repeating.
- Think about what your desired outcome would be. (g. Find a new partner)
- What about some strategies that would help you achieve that desired outcome? (E.g. Identify what attributes you would like them to have, what your values are in a relationship, your desired form of communication and set clear boundaries and expectations.)
Rather than simply repeating patterns, learn from past patterns and try to create new patterns that include some caution without being too extreme, so that you can achieve your desired outcome.
- Look at your past experiences and draw on strengths and attributes you have had or exercised that helped you get through something or achieve something.
If your negative talk is telling you, you will never be able to get a promotion because you have always had subordinate roles, think about a time in your life when you succeeded in something.
What strengths and attributes were required to achieve it?
What actions did you take to achieve that?
Is there a way you can apply these strengths, attributes and actions to getting a promotion?
- Identify who you have been listening to.
Your negative talk could be coming from reiterating what you have heard in the past from negative people in your life.
Who are these people that have instilled this thought into your mind?
Do their opinions really matter to you? (E.g. if they are keyboard warriors that you have never met or mere acquaintances, why care what they think?)
Do they have your best interest at heart?
Do they genuinely clap for you when you have succeeded in the past?
Have they been encouraging, supportive and challenging you to grow, or do they deliberately hold you back?
You’ve probably heard the saying ‘you are the product of the 5 people you hang around with the most’. Choose your circle wisely!
You may need to re-evaluate who you associate with and who you listen to. You don’t have to ditch people altogether, perhaps you may just moderate exposure to them. Yes, this includes family if it applies to them.
- Acknowledge and thank your negative self-talk for wanting to protect you.
Acknowledge that your self-talk is trying to protect you, based on past experiences. If you identify that this self-talk is not warranted, irrational, or coming from people you don’t want to listen to anymore, simply turn to your self-talk and say ‘Thanks for looking out for me. I’ve got it from here.’
This reduces internal conflict and anxiety; it gives your negative self-talk permission to protect you again in the future and empowers you with the strength to be able to decide, create a new brain pattern, and head in a different direction.
- Give yourself permission to act in a way that is NOT in line with your negative self-talk
Anxiety, irrational behaviour, avoidance, procrastination, avoiding taking risks, hesitation, stress and all the other things we experience as a result of negative self-talk, all reduce vastly when you give yourself permission to act differently to the way you have in the past.
The conflict comes from your ego not wanting to be different to what it has always been. To live a different story to the one you have always told yourself. But it is perfectly ok to change and move forward. Give yourself permission; it makes the world of difference.
- What lesson can you learn from your negative self-talk
Your negative self-talk is talking based on your past experiences.
What can you learn from the past?
What can you do differently if faced with the same experience?
How can you turn that negative situation into a more positive one?
Think of strategies that you can do differently moving forward. Think of what roadblocks you might face and what strategies you can create to overcome them.
- You can only control and are responsible for yourself, not other people
The only thing you have complete control over is yourself.
Your thoughts.
Your words.
Your actions.
Your reactions.
Your behaviour.
How another person is going to behave, react, think, speak etc. is out of your control. It is not your responsibility.
Be kind, respectful and always look out for your own well-being first, and those of your dependents such as children, elderly or disable you may care for. The other fully functioning adults can look after themselves.
Scenario:
Negative self-talk: ‘You’ll never lose weight! You have tried so many diets and never change. You always crumble and have no will power. So don’t bother trying another diet.’
You: ‘Thank you for your concern negative self-talk. Thank you for trying to protect me from more disappointment. But I’ve got this. I need to try one more thing because this might be the one that works for me. If I don’t try, then I really won’t lose weight. If I try, there’s always the chance I will.’
Let’s face it, we all have conversations in our heads. Let’s take control of them and make them more productive by helping us shift our mindset into having more control of our actions and future.
- Coach Terri
